"I didn't realize how much I had judged myself and others until my spiritual sister and mentor said to me, 'Wow, it must be hard to be you sometimes.'"
I asked her what she meant.
She replied with this explanation: "You are so hard on yourself. You are worried about what to wear, what your hair looks like, what others may think. It must be exhausting being you."
I have to say I was offended at the moment. But I began to take a look at how harshly I was judging myself, and I can look back, laugh, and share this story.
So, a little backstory to begin: I had just quit my job in 2008 and lost my identity. I didn't realize how much I had tied into my introduction: "Hi, I'm Carolyn Berry, General Manager of LifeTime Fitness." Wow, that always felt so good, and I felt so powerful. I had the title, lived in a wonderful place, got to travel, ate well, dressed well. I was impressed with myself and strived to impress people. I had beautiful hair and fancy clothes and the best-looking shoes in town.
Quitting my job made me see I felt empty. After freaking out and being fearful of what was next, God so graciously helped me out. I had prayed for God to send me like-minded people and to help me on my purpose.
So, three weeks later, I landed another fabulous job. Great title, great travel, great place to live, fancy, fancy I was. Until that ended five months later, and I lost my identity again. Only, I was determined to heal this time.
I met my wonderful spiritual mentors who assisted me in the process of my healing.
And the judgment began.
Kim invited me to live with her in Washington until I figured things out. I decided to go to school and get certified as a personal trainer. I had to do something, and I had to feel productive. I had to have a plan and a goal to feel accomplished.
Kim would ask me to go with her to friends' houses and be social. I'd ask, "What do I wear?" and I mean always. She'd always reply, "What you'd like." Ugh, I hated that reply. I mean, are people dressing up, jeans, dresses, open-toe shoes...?
Before we left, I made sure my hair looked decent at least. I mean, I wasn't able to get a blowout or make it look fancy... but I managed to at least make myself presentable.
Then I'd come up with excuses not to go. I'd say, "What if people ask what I do for a living?" "So what if they do?" she'd reply. "Well, what do I say? I have no job. I don't have my own place. I feel like a loser; I don't have anything going on." It was so hard saying that and being so honest.
"Tell them the truth; you are on sabbatical," she smiled and shared her warm heart.
I didn't even know the word sabbatical or what it meant. But I used it. And I liked it. The community and friends she had were so supportive. I thought people would judge me for doing nothing and for having NO plans. For just being. That sounded so ridiculous.
I remember one sweet friend of hers saying, "Oh, that's wonderful that you can do this now at your age and really take a look at what you want."
I couldn't believe that there were actually people in the world with this kind of attitude. Where was I? Was I dreaming? And they were supportive. This is a community that I wanted to have, and I could just be me. I could expose myself for the things I was going through, sharing the pain and agony. The way I viewed myself and thought of myself with no worry of judgment from these people.
I didn't need the fancy clothes, and I didn't need the fancy shoes. I vowed then to do NO RETAIL for a year. My friends thought I was crazy and didn't think I could do it. It wasn't for financial reasons; I saw how much I had tied material things into how I felt about myself and the power it gave me to be able to buy things. And they are just "things."
Kim showed me how to begin to heal myself. We'd watch TV, and I commented about everything and everyone. I didn't realize how judgmental I was being. I even said to her, "I'm just pointing it out." And she asked me if that was my job. Ugh, how is she so right on!
I soon realized that as I was breaking myself down, I was projecting and breaking others down. I wasn't doing it intentionally. It was just happening until it was pointed out by someone else. And each time I wanted to say something about someone else, I first looked at myself and asked what my behavior was.
Since then and even today, I realize how much power is given away when we judge ourselves. Is it necessary to point out what is wrong with other people?
Yes, Kim did that for me, but it wasn't judgment, it was compassion. It was for healing, and it was to share what I couldn't see.
When we share something with someone and see what needs to be healed, is it out of love? Is it being delivered with compassion? Or is it out of protection of ourselves, so that we are not seen? Is it to take the attention off of us?
Release judgment. Ask God how you can let go of Judgment. Ask God to show you how you are judging others. And to be able to recognize it, to heal it.
There is freedom in not judging. Free yourself by letting go of the Judgment. Start with yourself. It worked for me, and I am able to feel JOY.
