As I lay beneath a pillow, feeling smothered, and hearing his words so clearly, "I will kill you," I pleaded, "God, if you let me live, I promise, this time I'll leave." In those almost unbearable moments, I wondered, "How did I get here? Where did that woman I used to know go? What happened to her? She would never put up with this."
Obviously, I lived through that scenario to write my story, to share how codependency is about me or you, not the other person. Your life could be the death of you or the life of you. Which will you choose?
After that incident, I recalled many other experiences in my life (and with this relationship in particular) that led me to this moment. You see, to heal, I had to see my part, my sacrifices, my coping, my enabling, my acceptance of the behavior, all of which led to the emotional death of me. And the realization that I had been in codependent relationships before. Secretly, I felt so much shame for being with this destructive energy, for partnering with such an abusive person who could only point out all my faults.
This relationship that I thought was going to be easy ended up being my hardest job ever. I dove into this relationship because he was a friend. Someone I knew who had issues. Someone who had NEVER had a girlfriend. So, I played it safe. I went in thinking, "He won't have issues with me. I'm his best friend. We've known each other our whole lives. He wouldn't dare disrespect me like those other girls. He won't take advantage of me."
I lost myself in this relationship, badly. I made changes for him, not because it was to benefit me and my growth. It was always to accommodate him.
He said I was too opinionated, so I stopped giving as much advice. I convinced myself that maybe what he said was true. He said, "You need to figure out my style of communication," as if mine didn't work. I had always communicated with others and it worked for other people. So, I began to wonder, what is so different with my style of communication versus his? I asked over and over, "What do I need to do to communicate with you?" Of course, he didn't answer. Instead, he manipulated the conversation by saying, "I want someone to take the time to figure me out." What a waste of time… Why couldn't he just say what he needs? Oh, because he doesn't know.
I like to ask questions for clarification, to make sure we are on the same page. He doesn't like questions; it's about him. The problem is if I ask a question, he has to make up a story or figure out a way to avoid more questions that come after. He was so used to dating multiple people. He didn’t like to have to remember his lies. Questions meant challenges. How is this about me, though? Aren't these his issues? It's his problem, so why do I have to change?
But I did. You see, I have nothing to hide. I don’t mind answering any questions. I don’t mind sharing how I feel. I don’t use information against people or manipulate people for my gain. But he does. That is his game, and the world that he came from. Why does he think that is my world as well?
Why can't he see me? Why can't he see my intentions, my heart? Why do I need to make adjustments?
After every adjustment I made, another one was expected. He just had to point the finger. He had to blame someone else; to always find another at fault. That way, he can justify what he does and how he acts. That way, he could avoid feeling his emotions.
As a partner, don’t I have the right to find out who I’m talking to? Am I talking to a sober person or a drunk person? Those questions shouldn’t affect anything. It's simply respect for the other person. He used to get so mad if I interrupted him and said, “Have you been drinking?” He’d immediately turn it back on me, saying that I didn’t want to hear what he had to say. But if he’s drunk, I'm not interested in his story. I know what alcohol does to people. How it can change their behavior, their tone, their intensity. I prefer for someone to be sober, to be able to be honest without any influence.
Because of my love for him, I began to ignore his drinking. I sacrificed. I took all of his complaints and manipulation. I became his target. I was the root of all his problems. Even though I understood that when someone’s emotional tank is full, the closest person to them usually gets it taken out on them. In other words, if someone lets their emotions pile up and don’t have a healthy way to cope or face those emotions, they take it out on people or use other avenues, such as drinking. Knowing that didn't make it any easier. I couldn’t understand why he couldn’t see that he’s blaming me. I couldn’t understand why he chose to purposefully drink, knowing he turns into this person.
When I removed myself from the situation by moving out the first time, we got along, and things were good. Since I wasn’t around when he drank, he chose to take it out on other people, not me. But that didn’t stop the manipulation. The fear he was projecting, knowing that I wasn’t in his direct control anymore and knowing that he couldn’t see my every move, only fueled his fire. He couldn’t stand to see me at peace. His complaints turned into stories of how he was getting better. He's trying, he told me. He's getting help. He realizes I wasn’t the problem. But it was just a new way to manipulate me.
We continued like this for years. Here's a list of complaints I received from him:
*You are not spiritual enough. What I should have asked was, “How are you spiritual? What does spiritual look like to you?”
*You let people walk all over you. I asked him, “Can you please let me know how or who so I can change my behavior?” Crickets… he couldn't come up with a single answer.
*You aren’t taking care of the dogs the way you should. “Ok, what does that look like?” Once again, no answer.
*You are too emotional. “How? Can you give me an example?” I know he couldn’t. I know that he was so emotional himself and couldn’t face his anger, disappointment, or abandonment. When he felt any of those emotions, he had to convince himself someone else has the issues.
*Why do you have your hair like that? I had gotten my hair done. It wasn’t in a bun or in a ponytail like usual. He couldn't give a compliment.
*Why are you dressing like that? You mean out of my scrubs and not in fitness wear? Was he really going to make an issue out of me just wanting to dress normally? Is he that insecure that someone will steal me away from him while I’m at the grocery store?
*Why do you need to take another trip? You are always leaving.
Should I feel guilty because he doesn't have the ability to travel? I even offered to go somewhere together and pay for it, but he never wanted to.
I knew that one thing he wasn't going to take away from me was traveling. Sometimes, I booked adventures just to get away, even if they didn't always make financial sense. I needed to be in my own energy sometimes, to feel like I wasn't crazy. I couldn't understand why he always had to complain about me. It wore on me.
Why was he judging me? No one likes to be judged by their peers, coworkers, or especially loved ones. We have enough drama and ugliness to face in the world. My heart hurt knowing that I had to feel this way at home because of someone I trusted and loved.
I would ask him (and also myself), “Why are you criticizing and judging my behavior? Why can't you focus on yourself? Is it because it's too painful to look inside, face the darkness, and feel the pain that is buried within?”
That also meant he would have to take responsibility for his actions. That meant he would have to own who he is, who he had been, and how he had treated me. I'm sorry he is competitive and didn’t like me saying he was the worst person I have ever dated. Not only that, I have never been mistreated by a friend this way or someone I have dated, ever.
The emotional turmoil I would go through with myself and the inability to show up for people clear and happy was getting more difficult. My soul was suffering from having to live in this energy on a daily basis with him, and I couldn’t look in the mirror and see how much I had been compensating.
Why am I protecting him? Why am I accepting this behavior from him as if I’m deserving of it? Why am I allowing him to sabotage me, my peace, my success, and my endeavors? All because he hates himself, all because he is angry at the world, and angry at himself.
I’m an author. Why couldn’t he celebrate the fact that I wrote a book and published it, or honor my excitement for completing this task that brought me so much joy? My spirit was so ecstatic for writing and telling these God stories, and his inability to be in that space with me felt like a dagger straight to my heart.
I have a successful clinic where I’m helping and healing thousands of people. I followed my heart and did something God wanted me to do. I didn’t just wake up and decide to become a colon hydrotherapist just to add that to my resume; I knew God wanted me to do this, and he knew it also.
Those sessions healed my health issues, and he was there when I was in so much pain in my body. He saw I couldn’t bend over because my back was hurting too much. He saw how swollen my stomach was and that I looked 5 months pregnant. And when I got the diagnosis and recommendation that I needed to get a hysterectomy from my doctor, he saw how devastated I was. I didn't want to remove anything from my body, and I didn’t want anyone to cut me open. What did that mean for me as a woman? His response was beyond hurtful.
“Just do it because you don’t want kids anyway.”
My stomach sank when he said that to me. It was heartless and disrespectful. And bad timing. He saw the pain in my face. We had a few days of silence and uncomfortableness. When he understood and feared that he had pushed me too far, that I might walk out on him, he started being sweet and kind again. He offered suggestions other than cutting me open. I will give him some credit: he was the one who suggested the colonic, which in the end was all I needed to fix my female issues.
That confused me even more because how could someone I see as the devil most of the time be so connected and healing to me at the other times? The confusion and the misery this caused me on a daily basis was unbearable. I never knew which version I was going to get out of him.
I had to really take a deep look at myself and see if I was willing to sacrifice any longer. Was I willing to keep trying to help and heal him at the expense of the damage to my spirit and to my sanity? I’ve said to him over and over again, “I’m not the one who hurt you. I’m not the one who lied to you. I'm not the reason why all of these emotional wounds exist inside you. So why am I getting this treatment?” He knew I was right. I knew he knew that.
He once said to me, “We are reading from the same book. You are just chapters ahead of me.” That is what kept me stuck and in the relationship. I knew he was aware on some level. I wanted him to change. I wanted him to be better. I wanted him to see me and be able to love me… consistently. Not like this and not with the alcohol, without him taking his wounds out on me.
The mind games were making me sicker and crazy. I’m not an angry person but I was feeling all of his rage and disappointment. I remember thinking, this isn’t me. I can't forgive so easily now and I’m short with other people. I'm hidden in my house and I’m keeping people at a distance. This isn’t who I am and I know it.
It pains me to write these details about how I was abused. I’d rather be writing a romantic love story where someone completes me, a story about how deeply loved I feel and that I’d found my person. I never felt empty or any loneliness that I wanted to fill. I just wanted his spirit to win and not the devil inside him.
I couldn’t reach him with my words and I couldn’t reach him with my silence. It only made things worse, so I chose to be physical. I yelled at him, I got in his face, pushed him, and slapped him. I even went as far as throwing water in his face. I wanted him to feel how deeply he had wounded me. I hated myself for stooping to that level.
It wasn’t reason enough for me to leave when he’d stay out all night. No phone call. No text. No messages. Just a no show for 12 hours, leaving me to worry. It wasn’t reason enough to leave when I’d get call after call saying he needs a ride home… at 4 am. Or at 11:00 the next morning or that he didn't know where he left his car. Or another time he didn’t come home after 24 hours I’d start obsessing over the county mugshots online and then seeing he was listed and actually had been arrested. It's not my job to bail him out. But guess who did anyway? THIS GIRL… 3 times.
If I just help him get a car then he will get better. If I just help him with this school then he’ll be better. If I just help his family then things will get better. If I just pay for this or pay for this and that, then maybe he will change.
I gave him essential oils to help improve his mood and relaxation. He visited my clinic to receive colonics as frequently as he desired. Although I felt angry about it, I allowed it because I wanted to assist him. Each time he came in, recovering from the previous night's activities, I would think, "Maybe this time he's trying to cleanse his body of the toxins." Unfortunately, he continued to drink, falling back into the same patterns.
Perhaps, just maybe, he will recognize that alcohol is the issue, not me. If only I... If only...
I understand that alcoholics, addicts, and individuals with various issues are deeply wounded, but it started affecting me. I began walking on eggshells, doing everything to avoid arguments. I refrained from sharing my opinions, distanced myself from my friends, and made excuses. I even lied to my family and his family.
"Who is this woman now?"
"What has she turned into?"
He felt safe and secure around me, knowing he wouldn't have to worry about me getting arrested or excessively intoxicated, ending up somewhere unknown. He never had to fear me not returning home or not answering my phone. I held deep respect for other people and their emotional well-being, and I would never want to cause anyone unnecessary worry. However, I found myself on the receiving end of the opposite treatment, which was unimaginable. But how? How could he be so blind to how he was affecting me? Did he not care?
I kept telling myself it was okay. He was sick; it was a disease. He needed me, and I believed I could handle it. I believed he didn't truly mean the hurtful things he said. He would get better, I thought, someday, very soon. But then, I began to wonder: would he die if I left? I didn't want to be responsible for his downward spiral, his rock bottom. I knew I couldn't heal everyone.
He made promises: he was going to seek help, check into rehab, be honest with his family, and acknowledged his faults, pleading, "Don't leave me." Often, I left only to return to a worse situation. Other times, I threatened to leave, but he would temporarily improve. We would enjoy a few pleasant days, but as soon as he sensed my forgiveness, he reverted to his tricks and manipulative behavior. I consider myself emotionally stable; I forgive, let go, and move on. He exploited my forgiveness time and time again.
I forgave repeatedly, thinking maybe this time he would realize he was the issue, not me. The first time I left him, I left a note because I was afraid that if I left "responsibly," he would talk me out of it, guilt me into staying, and try to convince me that his problems were my fault.
I moved out.
I moved back.
I moved out.
I moved back.
But this time, I moved out for good. I moved on. I let go. I understood it wasn't me; it was him. I knew my part, recognized my codependency, and acknowledged my own issues. I owned them.
So, how did I finally muster the strength to say "enough" and leave? The pain became unbearable, and I felt a strong urge to escape. Most importantly, I had lost too many years of my life. Was I willing to lose more? I realized that for the past two years, I had been concealing myself within my job and making hasty, impulsive decisions. That wasn't me. I lacked clarity and focus, drowning in my emotions and feeling ungrounded. From the outside, people might have thought I had my life together, but I was barely holding on by an invisible thread, and that thread had already snapped.
I needed to make a change. I couldn't continue living a lie. I couldn't abandon my emotional healing work, both for myself and for others. I had spent years developing my program and helping people, and I was on the verge of abandoning it all. No, that wasn't an option. I stepped back and viewed myself as a client, asking myself the tough questions.
Did he show any signs of seeking help? No.
Would he in the future? No.
Was he displaying any positive patterns of self-healing? No.
Was he dependent on me for help? Yes.
Would it make me feel empowered if I were the one to inspire change in him? Yes.
Did my ego need validation? Yes, of course, I would take pride in being credited for his transformation.
How was this situation about me? I needed to make it about removing myself, not about him or me.
I needed to remove all emotion from the situation and confront the reality that this relationship was unhealthy for both of us. There was no blame or fault; we simply didn't align as a couple. We didn't support each other. Ultimately, I realized that walking away was in his best interest as well as my own.
I had to believe that his perception of me might actually be accurate. It wasn't my place to defend or question it. I needed to distance myself so I could rediscover who I was without his influence. And so, I did just that, and here's what I uncovered:
I am not responsible for him.
I did not dictate his choices.
I cannot enable his habits.
I am not in competition with addicts.
I didn't abandon him; I left his DISEASE. I escaped the situation that was causing me misery.
I CHOSE ME.
Here's what I now know:
I care about people.
I don't want to witness anyone's suffering.
I'm willing to help, but ONLY if:
They seek help.
They take actions and steps TODAY.
They live in the present moment.
They take responsibility.
They refrain from projecting their pain onto others.
I can now maintain a healthy distance from those who are wounded, loving them whether they are near or far. I am not responsible for their suffering; it's a choice they make for themselves.
I choose not to suffer. I understand that the world can be harsh, hurtful, and angry, but I also know it's an experience. I choose to process it, to feel through it, and to do what I can to change it for myself. I refuse to remain in an unhealthy emotional state.
I am solely responsible for my actions, emotions, and how I show up for people. I won't allow another person's behavior, be it family, friends, or acquaintances, to negatively affect me. I won't repeatedly listen to their stories just for the sake of listening.
I'm the person who asks the uncomfortable questions because that's who I am. I bring freedom, not just for myself but for anyone else who seeks it.
I want people in my life who desire freedom from wounds, suffering, and the destruction of the world. Without judgment, people can make their own choices, but if those choices don't align with me or feel right, I won't be there, and I won't be seen.
I choose me. I choose me. I choose freedom.
"I choose to deal with my own self and the challenges that sometimes come along with being human. I choose to work through them without causing anyone else pain or suffering.
I choose ME.
How did I choose myself, you ask? I just did. How did I get here? I chose to heal and surrounded myself with mentors and trustworthy individuals who could provide honest feedback about myself. I chose to forgive and let go. I chose to free myself from emotional burdens and prioritize healing.
I am a child of God. I see people as God sees them, and I used to consider this a burden because I wished people could be that way too. However, not everyone can be who they are meant to be. Not everyone can live at that frequency, and some people choose spiritual death over life.
I used to pray, “God, I want to see people how you see them. I want to be free from my judgment and have your eyes and your heart.” Later, I realized I already had this ability within me, but I needed to remove my filters, wounds, and protective barriers to see people with clarity.
I am okay with seeing people for who they are and how they show up in their lives today. I no longer fall in love with their potential. I can only love them as they are today and encourage them to free themselves if they choose. I can guide them if they want. However, I am okay with whatever choice they make. I am no longer attached to others' desires. I no longer have an emotional stake in their choice of misery or suffering.
I choose myself, and I can only hope you choose yourself too. There is a better way to live life. There is freedom that you can achieve.
It is a time to be selfish. I used to think that being selfish was an awful characteristic, but I've come to realize it's a necessity. We must take care of ourselves first before we can help others.
There's nothing wrong with you. Did you receive that message clearly? In case it didn’t register, there is nothing wrong with you. The world often beats us down, but don't get confused. We all have work to do on ourselves—healing, learning, and growing. But that doesn’t mean there is something inherently wrong with you.
How you feel, and only how you feel, is what's important. You can only contribute positively to the world or someone else when you take responsibility for your feelings. Own your emotions. If you are angry, own it.
Feel it. Don’t take it out on someone else. Don’t hide it because the world doesn’t always encourage us to talk about our feelings. Don't hold onto the idea of putting on a happy face. Face it, feel it, and process it.
This, my friends, is freedom. How you choose to have your experience is entirely up to you. Recognize that it’s your choice. So, how do you choose to show up? How do you want people to experience you? What do you want them to see?
Yes, you will have a variety of experiences with other people. Some will not be so pleasant, and some will be very pleasant. The thing is, you get to choose how you experience them. Do not let someone tell you there is something wrong with you just to deflect attention from themselves or break you down.
Learn to exercise discernment. It’s okay not to accept what others say about you. You can choose. Ask yourself, “Is this something I need to examine? Do I believe my behavior needs to change?” If your answers are no, disregard it. If it holds value in your heart and you KNOW you need to make an adjustment, then make that choice because it benefits you, not just the other person.
Our goal is not to lose ourselves in a relationship. Our purpose in a relationship is to experience it together. And it's okay if an experience is not right for you.
I give you permission to walk away. LEAVE. End your suffering.
Now, give yourself permission to do what you want in every situation because you are in this body and on this earth for you. You were born to experience this world.
How will you choose to experience it? Through someone else's vision? Through someone else's beliefs? Through someone else’s filter of anger, misery, or suffering?
No. Have a vision with your own eyes. Drop all of your filters. Be as raw, exposed, vulnerable, and unprotected as you can."
"That, my friends, is true freedom: to create and be whatever it is that you create and choose for yourself.
Website: www.carolynheals.com"
